my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
