my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
