I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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