If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
