I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We have so much sex to catch up on
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
