i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
