You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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