Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
