She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
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