I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
