he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
