the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
