if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
