Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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