So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
