So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
