He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
