U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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