Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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