I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
