Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
