Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
