i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
