Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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