This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
