jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
