I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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