Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
