I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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