you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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