I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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