Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
