Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i think i have herpe
just one?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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