I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
