Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
