According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
