I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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