i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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