She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
