yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
