I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
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He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
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I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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