Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
