The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
