Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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