Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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