I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
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My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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