Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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