I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
