Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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