mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he wants to bone in the snuggie
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
