She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
