Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
