Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
