If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
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I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
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I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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