News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
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