Taylor Swift is so right about you.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
