her facebook's as public as her vagina
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
