So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
