He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
